Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What a Week!! Is it over yet?

What a week! I am so excited for the weekend. I really don't have much planned..just read, and watch some movies:)

Well, I wrote and told you what happened on Monday...well, the week just got worse!!

Not sure if I blogged about this, but around the time change, I started getting REALLY tired. I also was feeling hungry, nearly right after eating, and a few other symptoms. Well, I got some blood work done, and it came out fine (high cholesterol, but I knew that). But I was still insistant that something was wrong. He did a second round of Blood work. In the mean time, we discovered the my BiPap machine had a bit of a leak in the hose, connecting it from the water chamber, to my mask, which was probably part of the problem (after we got a new hose, I wasn't tired much anymore). Yesterday, I went to my doctor, who tells me I have Type 2 Diabetes. True Story. I mean...REALLY??? I need that like a hole in the head!!! I know it's not a big deal, but with the other stuff going on, I just didn't need it. I am already on Metformin, which is suppose to help w/ my PCOS, so that is probably why I wasn't feeling more sick. To be honest, I wasn't that surprised, but I still stressed about it. A lot. I know I shouldn't say this...but I almost wished it were something else. It's cool and "in" to get Cancer..it's not cool to get diabetes. That being said, Paula Dean has it, so I guess it's being talked about more now. I wasn't even going to tell my parents, but I broke down and told my dad (mom is away) tonight. He told me to be thankful that I didn't have cancer. At least Cancer wouldn't be (for the most part) my fault. Diabetes is. Anyway....that being said, I have let it digest, and settle, and I am feeling a bit better about it today. I am seeing the diabetic clinic when they decide to give me a call. I just didn't need this on top of everything else. I tried to explain this to my dad, and he just didn't get it. Oh well.

After that, I went to run a few errands..and I went to my counselling appt, where I just started crying. It was a good session, tho, and even tho I felt drained when it was over, I was glad I had gone. I ended up leaving work early last night, due to my news...I came home and I had a bath, and I did my nails:)

I also have a new addiction..Pinterest!! I love it!!!

Well, that has been my week so far!!!! I know my Lord is carrying me!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Why Do I Even Bother?

I have had a good weekend...and I am almost ready to go back to work this afternoon!!

It was a beautiful sunny weekend for most of it, which was lovely. I love sunny wknds. I even broke out my Capri's the other day!!

On Wednesday, my mom and my aunt (who is getting married May 25-her first!), came into town, and we went shopping..found her wedding dress, and found myself a pant suit...I actually like it. It is a bit snug, so I will have to try to lose a few pounds before the wedding.

So, Friday, was crazy..my plans keep changing...so, anyway...it ended up that I went shopping, had to cancel my hair appt, b.c my friends from out of town where coming through, and they wanted to have lunch with us. DH was a bit grumpy, as he doesn't always like to meet new ppl, but we both had a nice time. I had a few errands to run...I also found my shoes for the wedding..10 bucks..I normally don't like flats, but these were really cute...and totally went with the ensemble! I bought a few presents for my friends' kids, who's bdays I had missed, the new baby in our church, and another friends son. I love buying gifts, but i have to be careful:) Friday night we had our Mexican Fiesta at our church. Had a great night...came home and relaxed and went to bed.

Saturday, I got up early, and went for coffee to read and journal. Went grocery shopping, and then came home and cleaned the house...I attacked our bedroom and at the last minute, our kitchen junk drawer. I am sooo glad I did!!! It looks so much better now. I went back to the store to get a few things we needed for dinner. Had dinner, and watched The Iron Lady. It was pretty good.

Yesterday..I went to church alone, since DH was sick. I had to drop a few things off to people, and I had to teach Sunday School. Went for lunch with some friends, came home, relaxed, had a nap, then went to Sbux to grab my free tea...read..and journalled again. Watched the rest of the game (Canucks lost), and Amazing Race..went to bed and read.

Ok..that was my weekend:) It really did go well..now, to just tackle the mountain of laundry on our bedroom floor!

So, now to the title of my post....

First of all, over the weekend, I sent a package to a dead baby. I have been reading this lady's blog for probably a year now, and we are now FB friends...she is a wonderful lady, filled with God..has 5 beautiful kids...4 on earth, and one in heaven...anyway...I spent too much money on it..for someone I hardly know, I should only spent a few bucks, but like usual, I found cute things that I thought they would like. I found a photo frame and put her name and birthdate in it, with my Scrapbook stuff. I actually enjoyed doing it. I sent it, and it cost 12 bucks to send to NH, USA. I think in all, I spent nearly $30 on Rachel. To be honest, I don't know why. I think b/c in part I really did want to send them something..b/c I was thinking of them. I have another friend (remember baby T??) who I will probably send something for his 1st bday. I think I will do something similar.. a book, a photo frame with his name and bdate on it (he was born the same day as Hayden), and maybe a stuffie. But at least it won't be as much. I don't mind sending them something..as they are my friends. Anyway...the whole time I was doing this. I kept thinking "why..I hardly know these people". She has 4 children here on earth...I don't have any. No one sends me anything. If you lose a baby, you will always be a mom...if you lose a partner/spouse, you are a widow/er. What are you when you don't have kids? I hope this is making sense..it's probably not, and for that, I am sorry. I guess a part of me is a bit angry...and maybe a bit of self pity.

Ok..now for real..on to the title of my post.

I did buy a gift for the family in our church who had a baby..in part b/c I don't plan on going to the baby shower, and I didn't even know if there would be one. So, I gave them the gift yesterday. Yesterday, in the church bulletin, I see there a Gift Card shower for them. Today, I met up with my friend for coffee, and she asked me if I was planning on going..I told her no, that I am avoiding all things baby right now. She said "why...you need to go and support them..you need to get over it". Umm..ok..sure...like that's easy. Well, anyway...I tried to continue to talk to her about it, but she clearly didn't get it. I told her that I needed time to grieve, to which she replied "why, you didn't lose anything". I stopped right there...I love her dearly, and I didn't want to have an argument about it. It left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. I really don't even know why I bother telling people my feelings on this topic. No one understands, and really, I don't expect them to. But they can at least not argue the point...just to let it lie..if that makes sense. They try to understand what I am going through, but they just don't (or won't) get it. I guess that is something that I will just have to try to understand...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

48 hours alone

This past Sun-Tues, I hopped the Greyhound alone (since DH wasn't able to make it), to Vancouver, as I had some DR's appts there. I actually ended up having a good time. I called DH about 25 times, so I don't think we had much time to miss each other, but it was still good to get away. I stay at this little B&B a few blocks from my appts...I love it there. I just enjoyed Sunday evening..I walked to Starbucks (of course!!), and grabbed a "coffee", and came back and had a very relaxing evening.

Monday, I got up in decent time, and I had a wonderful breakfast, and went to my appointments. I also went to Starbucks btwn the first two, waiting around to meet with my cousin and his family. We had a quick lunch, and then I went to see my Lung Specialist. He said things were going well. I then went to UBC for my Neuro appt, and she was very happy with everything. I ended up going to Whitespot for supper, mainly b/c I wanted a half decent supper, and I didn't feel like walking too far. I had a lovely supper, and enjoyed my time alone. I am one of those people that don't mind eating alone (at least not a lot). I walked back to the B&B, and just spent another night just relaxing and watching Monday night TV that I don't usually get to watch. I slept a bit better the first night. I woke up around 8 the next morning..had another wonderful breakfast, and went to London Drugs to get a few things. And of course, I stopped at Starbucks on the way back:). I packed up, and stayed until noon, since my bus didn't leave until 2. I got the Bus/Train station early, and I grabbed a drink at Mcd's, while I Facebooked. The trip home went well. I had the seat to myself most of the time. DH took me to supper at BP when I got in..sooo good!!

I am saying all this to the fact the yes, sometimes I DO like not having kids. I don't have to take them with me, or find someone to look after them. I can have a (mostly) good night's rest each and every night. I can go to Sbucks when I want to...read, pretty much do whatever, whenever I want.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Why?

Our Worship/Young Adult Pastor and his family had a baby last week. A little boy. As I have said before, I won't be going to the shower. Well, even before she had had the baby, a lady in our church started through FB organizing meals for them. Now, I personally don't have a problem with it..I mean, when Mom had her 4 younger ones, our church pitched in, and we had meals delivered for probably a month. This is their second baby (their oldest is almost 3), and I think it is a good idea. Well, this lady asked me, and I should have not responded. To be honest, I am avoiding all things baby-related right now. Unless I absolutely have to, I won't be involved. Why? Because I need to be good to myself, and not let myself get weighed down and depressed. I did decide to participate. I don't know why...I mean, we don't even eat properly during the week, due to my work schedule, and I often don't have time to make meals for ourselves, let alone someone else. I think I may try and get out of it. Is that wrong? Maybe. I personally don't care. Maybe it's rude.

So, today, I was chatting with some ladies from our church, and I find out that the pastor has taken two weeks off! This perturbed me a bit. I mean, it would be one thing if they have 3 kids, and he was away working or something...but he is HOME..and they probably have their parents to help. Also, and I realise that you don't want to have a lot of ppl visiting right after you have a baby, but I saw pictures of some our friends at church (younger friends) visiting this family, and holding the baby. Why wasn't I asked to come over? She wasn't in church last week, either, apparently (but neither were we..lol).

I was (and still am, really) in a good mood this morning, but as we were talking about this..I started getting a bit upset about it..and just generally more quiet. I decided to leave, impart b/c I really did need to get going, as I have a ton of stuff to do today, but partly b/c I was a bit upset by the whole thing. I don't know why it gets me...I mean...babies are a pain, right? They cry, wet their pants, eat too much, and generally hinder life. So, why do I want one so much? And why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just let go?? I wish DH would go for counselling with me. He doesn't seem to have the same feelings I do about it. I know he is sad, but we don't talk about it much.

Well, enough grumping for today.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What I "should" be doing...

Yes, this blog is lacking...I keep having good intentions of writing something..anything on here, but I always get too busy, or I forget...

Life has been going well..I seem to be pretty busy...running errands, helping out friends and family with their kids, going to work...it's been good, though. We thought our car had died a couple of weeks ago...it turned out that it was only a $50 repair job/part:) Yay!!

We went to my parents' this past weekend. It was such beautiful weather. Had fun just taking pictures, eating (we always eat well there), cuddling the baby lambs, visiting...DH had a great few days off, which was very much needed.

Sunday morning, I looked after Hayden for a bit. He is such a good little baby. He is almost 1 yr old!!! She brought him over in his PJ's, and she headed off to worship practice. I fed him breakfast, got him changed and dressed..and played with him until we left for church. DH and I ended up driving their car up there, since she had left with someone else, and Hayden's seat was in already in the car. It was a neat bittersweet feeling going to church..I felt we were a family. I kept thinking "This is what we should be doing..we should have a baby (or two) going to church..arguing with the kids as to what to wear (if they're old enough), fighting with DH b/c we were late...." We got to church and Krystle mentioned that I looked harried (did I mention that doesn't play very well on his own, is a bit scared of DH right now, and has to be where you are all times?) I had to strap him in his high chair, and he watched mom get ready, while I got ready to go:) I ended up holding him in church during the service. It was a such a neat feeling...again, bittersweet, knowing that we probably wouldn't have this opportunity ourselves. I didn't cry or anything...in fact, it was a great service, and I sang my heart out, and I danced with Baby. It was a time of thinking what I "should" be doing this.

I was having some odd symptoms the other day..really hungry, and tired, and even though the chance of getting pregnant is zero to none, I asked the DR to do a quick PG test, and of course, it was negative. But for the day or so before, as I wondering, I let my mind wander to "what if". I wasn't that surprised when the MOA said that it was negative. In fact, I would have been surprised if I was:)

Honestly? I am tired..tired of trying..tired of even thinking about it...I don't even want to go to more doctors, really, although I may get in to see my OB/GYN to talk about some more options.

A lady in our church had a baby boy, and I have already decided that I won't go to the baby shower (unless it's tied in with something else). I will probably buy him something (I LOVE buying baby stuff!), but I won't go. I won't put myself through that.

Well, that is my update for now....Short and sweet, I know. But that is all I have to write about tonight.