Monday, May 23, 2011

Not Perfect..and some Family News

Happy Victoria Day to all my Canadian Friends!! I hope your weekend was wonderful.

Ours was pretty quiet. Pretty much just hung out all weekend. We may go out today, but since the weather isn't nice...we may not do much. I watched some movies, and I went out a couple of times. I ended up going to church alone, and my friend took me out to a new restaurant in town..called Cora..it was very good!! I went to the park twice to just enjoy the sun, and read. It was beautiful for Thursday, I took the day off, mainly because my right ear, which has been plugged for a week, was still bothering me. I just enjoyed the day. Our seems to be having problems again. Thankfully, it's not a big deal, but I did got to the place that fixed it the last time, and they told us that it was an oxygen sensor. We were going to go camping, but we found out that it was going to rain..then we were going to go to my parent's, but we decided to stay home, b/c of our burning too much fuel. We were both disappointed, but in the end, for the most part, it was an ok weekend. I went to the grocery store a couple of times, and also to the mall:) Not sure yet what we are doing today.

Last weekend, I was in a bit of a funk...there were a few things, that I felt that I should have been invited to, and I (we) wasn't. I know...I was being immature...but that is how I felt. Something even happened on Friday that I felt that I should have been invited to (to be fair, they probably thought we were going away). I LOVE our church family..really, I do. I just feel that I (we) get forgotten sometimes. We don't get invited out a lot, and we certainly don't go out a lot (with friends, or otherwise). I read peoples blogs on how their weekends were full of family/friends stuff, and we just don't do that, and that makes me sad. Granted, I don't have any family in town, so that doesn't help. I just wish I had some girls' nights, or we had some couple friends..ok, we do have one couple friend, but we don't get out w/ them a lot!! I hope that w/ summer being here, we can get out and do more stuff!!

So, two weekends ago, was Mother's Day Weekend, and I was dreading it! Thankfully, it was fine, and I didn't have any (or much) sadness. Our retreat was great..and I loved just spending time visiting w/ friends. The speaker was good too, for the most part.

I came back from that wknd to some sad news of my friend D losing her baby at 23 weeks:( I heard before I left that she was having problems and she was in the hospital, but I was hoping that things would sort themselves out, and that she could continue to carry him longer. I was heartbroken for her, and her husband. For every woman that wants to be a mother, there is one (or more) that have experienced an infant loss. I did call her last week, and she is doing "OK", but having a tough time.

I want to vent a bit about perfect people...I have a few on my FB friends list..you know the kind..the ones that skinny (or maybe not skinny, but better looking than me!), the perfect husband, the perfect kids, the perfect house, have an amazing job (or hobby) that they love and are good at..or better still, don't have to work. The perfect Christian...they are involved in ALL areas of their church. Their weekends are filled w/ family, and friends. I have almost deleted a few (and I think I have deleted a few), b/c I can hardly stand their statuses, or their pages. I feel so inferior..I do. I am not perfect, not skinny (not even fit), certainly no kids..and I love my hubby, but he is not perfect..our house is too small, and it is a place for DH's projects, so I don't even want to keep it clean anymore...and well, my job is fine..but it's definitely not what I would call a career (although, I am very blessed to have a job). I just feel sad, b/c I wish our life were a bit more...normal!! Normal people our age would looking after their kids, house, doing a full time job...money (or at least more than we do now). Sometimes, I feel that even w/ my friends, I feel that I don't want to be with them, b/c they have more $$ than us. Although they don't flash it..you can see it..their house, car, trips...and we don't have that. Sometimes, I do feel happy that our life is quietly paced. I can get up when I want..watch tv in the morning if I want to..spend time on FB..go and sit in the park...and don't get me wrong..I am grateful for those times. But there are a lot of times where I wish our lives were normal and crazy!! I see people having babies, buying houses, going on trips...and I just wish that were us. I guess the Lord knows what we need..when we need it!!

Well, on for my news!! My brother and his wife adopted a beautiful baby boy earlier this month. They got him from birth, and they took him home from the hospital!! Such a beautiful story of love and adoption....they named him Hayden!! I did go and see him last weekend for the day, and I got to love on him for a couple of hours!! They are all doing well!!

Have a great day, everyone!

Friday, May 6, 2011

My Thoughts on Mother's Day

Hello...And Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there..especially to my MOMMY!! She has been an amazing mom...always there when I need her....loves to talk to me...pretty much about everything....just amazing. I feel so blessed that we have always gotten along...of course, there are the odd tiffs, but they always blow over quickly. She was there for me during my stay in the hospital last year...nearly every day for a month. She is one of my biggest cheer-ers!!

Well, I am about to leave go to away for the weekend..I will tell you more about it when I return. I am looking forward to it, that's for sure.

I must say, though..that this year..probably more than any other year, Mother's Day will be a bit more sad:( A more of a longing in my heart.....I have pretty much come to the conclusion that unless the Lord decides otherwise, we will not be having a baby. Of course, like I said, it's not iron-clad. But I think I have pretty much "made peace" with not having a baby. There are a few decisions, but mainly, my health. Although the pari-natologists said cautiously that I would be ok during a pregnancy, they also said (from what I remember) that there is a chance (about 25%) that my body wouldn't hold up during this time. My heart, and my lungs are the main problem, but also my blood-clotting issue is another problem. Also, I have the CF-carrier) Cystic Fibrosis), and IF Anker has that same gene as well (he still needs to be tested), the chances of our having a baby w/ CF can be up to 25%. That really doesn't seem like a lot, but I was talking w/ one of the doctors at the metabolic clinic back in April, and she said (referring to the 25% chance of my not making it through a PG), that 25% is actually a high percentage. She said that they won't even operate on someone who's chances of dying during surgery are 10%. That was a sobering fact, for sure. There are a few other factors, too..but those are the main ones. (FYI..my PCOS [in my opinion] isn't much of an issue..you can just get clomid to fix that...although you CAN have twins...that would pretty much be the death of me physically). Adoption is probably not an option for us..I think I have stated this before. Finances, and even if we were to adopt through BC, you don't know what kind of child you are going to get, and I don't think we can take on a child w/ special needs.

SOOO.....all that being said..this Mother's Day will be a bit sad...I know, I know..being a mother is not everything..wasn't that said by a mother?? LOL There are certainly times during my life when I am happy that we don't have kids..I can do what I want, when I want..I can buy stuff (not that I buy a lot anyway) for myself..and be a bit selfish...just jump in the car and go out (or on a trip-not that we do a lot of that, anyway). We only have ourselves to worry about....but there are times when I am really sad that we don't have kids. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother..that is the only thing that I have wanted to be (oh, and a wife, too!). I haven't really wanted to get a big career..I mean..I guess I have...but I haven't worked towards it.

I don't really have a satisfying job..it's good money, and it does get me out...and that is good...but honestly? The job isn't a career. I don't do a lot of volunteering in the community...and I really don't have a big social life. I DO help out w/ Sunday School and the nursery, so that is really fun. I just want to have something (or DO something) that is fulfilling. I am thinking of taking an ECE course. Not to work in Daycare, but I would love to teach pre-school:) Or, eventually, maybe be a co-ordinator or something to do w/ Daycare. We'll see. It's a two year and expensive course.

I sometimes get angry that I got sick last year, causing me not to probably have kids...I wonder why God allowed that....I wonder why I am not blessed w/ my own babies. I am sad that I won't get to hear a child call me "mama". I think I would make a good (although slightly neurotic) mom!! I would love see my parents become Grandparents:) I would love to be connected my mom even more through babies!! I have to give EVERYTHING..my plans, my health...to GOD!!! HE KNOWS what I (we) need!!! Part of me is excited about what God has in store for me (us)!!

However...all of that aside...I am feeling that God is preparing me for something...I don't know what it is..maybe I am wrong....maybe it's not FOR ME..but maybe it's for someone else in my life...I am drawn to Baby Loss Mama's blogs, and adoption blogs....I love reading those sad and happy (respectively) stories. Just some thoughts.....

I just wanted to quickly update you on our week...we got our car back..$900 to fix it..nice!! I hope that that is it for awhile..although Anker says that there are a few things left to be done, but we can do them one thing at a time. Good thing I have a job!! I must say that I was VERY grateful for my job during this time!! Sunday, Anker and I went to the park downtown (I love it..others sometimes don't...it's a good park to me!) and we hung out for a bit...just chatted, and read a book that we have been trying to read for a couple of years...such a beautiful sunny day...and we also went for ice cream!! Yogurt for me!!) Monday we both voted, and then we went to do my walking test w/ the oxymeter...and things look GOOD!! So, I don't know why the numbers went down so low last time. I am not doing much excersising, though..I see my Dr. next Tuesday to see the results, and to discuss some other stuff. Tuesday, I cleaned part of the bathroom, and Anker and I ran a couple of errands...I had to run to the grocery store for something for supper. We 4 girls at work each have our day of cooking supper. We love it, and it beats going to DQ every night. I DO miss eating w/ Anker every night..we hardly ever eat together anymore. Maybe once or twice a week..usually on the weekends. Wednesday, I spent some time in the park. It was such a lovely day! I love spending time there...just reading, or whatever. The rest of the week has been pretty quiet....

Looking forward to this wknd...and to what God has for me!

Have a wonderful Mother's Day Weekend!!!