Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Perfect Gift (I think).

Just came back from a busy day. It was fun, though..but I am super-tired. Church, then lunch out (by myself, as DH was sick), and ran a few errands, then home for an hour..then helped my brother look after Hayden while he did some errands...came home, and picked up my sister from the airport, and delivered her to my brother to take her home! The weekend went well...pretty busy, but fun, too..I baked cookies...went to see a movie, went to dinner..went to two parties on Friday..I think I am only going to work half of the week, since our boss said we could take some extra time off.

Well, I finally found the perfect gift for Baby T's mummy. It is actually the same thing that we bought for ourselves..but when I found it at another store, I realised that it would be the perfect gift. I won't say what it was, since his mummy hasn't gotten it yet (stupid Canada Post!!), but I really hope they get it soon!!! I had my Sister in law write his name, bdate, on the back..(she is a much better printer than I am!!). I ended up making her a card, b/c I didn't feel that any of the Christmas cards fit. I wanted to give them something to let them know that I am thinking of them during this time.

I was thinking of getting 8 more of the same, for my mum, as she has lost 8 babies through miscarriages...I think that even though she "just" had a miscarriage, it's a baby, and it's our sibling that we never got to meet, and I want to let her know that I will never forget, either.

Well, nothing else more to say for now..Have a great Week!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Thoughts of Baby T.

This morning, I called my friend D. to catch up, since we haven't talked for awhile. She is a BLM (Baby Loss Mama), having lost her baby boy at 23 weeks. We talked for an hour this morning, and I hope what I said was encouraging. I never really know what to say, but I try to stay away from "platitudes". I would think this Christmas would be hard for her...I was talking to another FB friend of mine, asking her if I should include T's name in the Christmas Card or not...she emailed back, saying to definitely refer to Baby T. somewhere in the card, and to also try and get him an ornament.

Well, I tried for over an hour today (actually, probably about two), to find something. I think I should go into the "Angel Baby" making business. There is NOTHING out there! I did find one, but it also said "Baby's First Christmas 2011", and I don't know if that is fitting or not.
I don't know if she will be getting a lot (or any) gifts for him...if he will have a stocking..but I wanted to give her something, to show that I am thinking of/praying for them. But what do you give to someone who's baby they have lost?? Nothing really seems to fit quite right. I was looking for an angel ornament, or SOMETHING..I even found a cute bear, and was planning on getting his name engraved, but it was too expensive. I came away from the mall kind of sad, wishing I could get them something. So, I am still looking.

I don't know what it is like to be a BLM, but I DO know what it is like to feel a sense of loss. We talked about that today, too. Neither of us want to celebrate Christmas this year. It's just another reminder that we don't have children. No kids to take to see Santa, no one to cook/bake with us, no little eyes that light up when they see the Christmas Tree, lights, or gifts. I hope that if you have someone in your life who doesn't have children, or who has recently lost a baby, that you will be sensitive to them...hug them, let them talk...love on them!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

A New Direction

I have no idea if anyone reads this blog, but I don't care. I love having an outlet where I can share. I have other ways, of course, but I like have a public place to vent and to share feelings. I am finding that Facebook is not necessarily the place to vent, and to air one's feelings.

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, and it has been a combination of things..I really don't haven't felt like it, not really much to say, and just kind of forgetting, being busy. That being said, I have decided to go a bit of a different direction with my blogging. I will still update you on our lives, but it will be more reflective, introspective. I just want to be more real...more thought provoking, more smart!!:)

I am part of a group called "Childless Mothes", where ladies come together who don't have their own kids, and just chat about not having children in our lives. I do really like it, as it is a place to air my thoughts and feelings without judgement. I want this blog to be a bit more reflective on my (our) life without children in it. I also have been battling a bit with depression on and off for a year. I had a bought of it back in 2004, and I was on meds, but I was doing well, so I got off of them..well, I found out that I need them again:( I am doing MUCH better, but still on the meds. I will try to wean myself off of them next spring/summer.

So, last wknd, I thought I was pregnant. I was late, and I was feeling sick..I bought two PG tests, and I took the first one Friday afternoon, and it was negative. I took the next one Saturday morning, and it was negative as well. Well, I thought I would try one more time..on Sunday afternoon. I bought a more expensive one, thinking that it may be more accurate. The day was busy, church, and I looked after my nephew for a couple of hours. Well, before I even took it, I got my period:( I was sad, but I didn't cry, because I think deep down, I knew that I wasn't. I tried SO hard to not think about the "what if's", but it was fun while I did...:) So, the next morning, I was bombarded with "baby stuff". I kind of took it out on Facebook, and I guess people didn't understand, so I have decided that I won't say too much about it.

That is the other thing..when you lose a baby/child, you are still a mother, when you lose a spouse, you are still a husband/wife. Everyone is sad for you, they cry with you, they go all out to love on you...but when you can't have kids (or even chose not to), no one understands...you are not a mother, not a spouse...there is no "sorry you can't have kids" card...there really is no "childless parent" day (although I think that people have since made up a day..can't quite remember when it is, though). I am just finding it hard lately dealing with not having kids. I didn't even want to put up a tree this year..but I decided to go ahead and do it, and I am glad we did. Even on Halloween, which I am not a big fan of, was a bit hard, b/c we don't have kids. It's a different life that what I had imagined it would be for me (us), that's for sure. But, there are times where I really do love my life, too..I can just do what I want, when I want..I don't have to worry about anyone else but us...I can go to Starbucks whenever I want...shop the mall without having to worry about a little one...so I try to focus on the positives. I guess that's about all I can do.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Summer, Pt 1

Yes, we're alive!! I thought I would do a quick post, b/c I am thinking that it has been awhile since i have written in this!!

We have had a fairly good summer! As far as the weather goes, we are only JUST NOW getting some "summer" weather...well, August, and September have been nice..June and July?? Only a few days were hot!!

I wouldn't say it's been a great summer, but it's been ok. I have been having some "stuff", that I am working through, and I had/am having some depression, etc..so it has made the summer a bit of a downer.

Just a few summer highlights:

I celebrated my 35 birthday. We had the party a few days later, thanks to my working and the Canucks (still a sore spot..lol). We had a few ppl in the park, and it was a nice party.

My sister graduated the end of June, and we had such a fun party!! Lots of people came to help her celebrate...lots of laughter, and pictures were had! And of course, yummy food! She is now at Bible College in Calgary.

July 1 Long Weekend, we went to my parents, and we camped in the field above their house. It was a nice time, but I didn't sleep on either of the nights. It was still a good time, though. We had a bbq/hot dog roast for Canada Day. I took an extra day off, and we went up to Spahats Falls on the way home.

I helped w/ VBS this year, in July, and we had a good time. The theme was "PandaMania", and it was a real hit w/ the kids. The last day, Friday, I was unable to be there, as my work took us on a "Staff Day" to Sun Peaks. We had a great day, but it was a bit chilly, and not a lot to do, so we came back early.

We went on day trips to my parents a couple of times as well..and I went one day to visit while my cousin and her family were visiting.

The biggest event that happened was that Anker and I went to Victoria over the BC Day Long weekend and the next week. His sister has now moved there, and we have talking about going there nearly since they moved there!! They have finally got a cute little town house/condo, so they said to come on over. We were worried about our car, so we decided to take the bus. I am glad we did, but we did have a few "close calls" w/ missing the bus. It was a beautiful week...and we left Kamloops when it was gorgeous, and we came back to beautiful weather, as well. We had a great time...and all I can say is...I am glad they live there, so we have an excuse to go back!! We would love to live there..soo beautiful!! Had a great week, and we didn't want to come home.

We nearly went camping over the Labour Day Long Weekend, but we ended up just staying home. Neither us were feeling well, and we were afraid that it would be cold at night (we tent camp). We went to the North Thompson Fall Fair...had lunch on Sunday w/ my brother and his wife..and just generally had a great weekend. Our friends also invited us to their place on Monday evening for supper...they live out of the city, on a small acreage. It was a beautiful evening..just laughing and having fun:)

This last weekend, my baby brother came to visit us. He has been wanting to visit for..well, FOREVER..and we decided that this wknd was good. We had a great time..we went to supper to celebrate is bday (his bday was earlier), and we just relaxed on Saturday..we did go and see "Planet of the Apes" in the theatre, and just hung out on Saturday night. Sunday was church...and we went to the park/beach w/ A and K. I have only swam a total of 4 times this summer. I have gone to our local beach 3x and I swam in the ocean while we were away. It was a beautiful weekend, and I think he had a great time.

I have read a few books this Summer. I love Danielle Steel books, so I got "caught up" with her new books, and some of her old ones that I have. I would recommend "Legacy". Even if you don't read her books, this is very good..and it totally encouraged me to "get out" and try new things.

I also watched and I bought "The Help". The movie is amazing, and everyone should watch it. I will attempt to read the book, for the 2nd time.

Speaking of doing new things, I have decided (if I can swing it w/ work) to take a knitting class. I have done knitting YEARS ago, and I really want to try a hobby (scrapbooking is too expensive) this winter. So, it is a 6 wk class starting the end of Sept. I am also w/ a health group-type organization, where I go once a week and excersise. I have decided to try and take out a minimum membership, where I can walk the track, and do some weights, etc.

That is about all for now. I will try and update you on the rest of our life later in the week.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Not Perfect..and some Family News

Happy Victoria Day to all my Canadian Friends!! I hope your weekend was wonderful.

Ours was pretty quiet. Pretty much just hung out all weekend. We may go out today, but since the weather isn't nice...we may not do much. I watched some movies, and I went out a couple of times. I ended up going to church alone, and my friend took me out to a new restaurant in town..called Cora..it was very good!! I went to the park twice to just enjoy the sun, and read. It was beautiful for Thursday, I took the day off, mainly because my right ear, which has been plugged for a week, was still bothering me. I just enjoyed the day. Our seems to be having problems again. Thankfully, it's not a big deal, but I did got to the place that fixed it the last time, and they told us that it was an oxygen sensor. We were going to go camping, but we found out that it was going to rain..then we were going to go to my parent's, but we decided to stay home, b/c of our burning too much fuel. We were both disappointed, but in the end, for the most part, it was an ok weekend. I went to the grocery store a couple of times, and also to the mall:) Not sure yet what we are doing today.

Last weekend, I was in a bit of a funk...there were a few things, that I felt that I should have been invited to, and I (we) wasn't. I know...I was being immature...but that is how I felt. Something even happened on Friday that I felt that I should have been invited to (to be fair, they probably thought we were going away). I LOVE our church family..really, I do. I just feel that I (we) get forgotten sometimes. We don't get invited out a lot, and we certainly don't go out a lot (with friends, or otherwise). I read peoples blogs on how their weekends were full of family/friends stuff, and we just don't do that, and that makes me sad. Granted, I don't have any family in town, so that doesn't help. I just wish I had some girls' nights, or we had some couple friends..ok, we do have one couple friend, but we don't get out w/ them a lot!! I hope that w/ summer being here, we can get out and do more stuff!!

So, two weekends ago, was Mother's Day Weekend, and I was dreading it! Thankfully, it was fine, and I didn't have any (or much) sadness. Our retreat was great..and I loved just spending time visiting w/ friends. The speaker was good too, for the most part.

I came back from that wknd to some sad news of my friend D losing her baby at 23 weeks:( I heard before I left that she was having problems and she was in the hospital, but I was hoping that things would sort themselves out, and that she could continue to carry him longer. I was heartbroken for her, and her husband. For every woman that wants to be a mother, there is one (or more) that have experienced an infant loss. I did call her last week, and she is doing "OK", but having a tough time.

I want to vent a bit about perfect people...I have a few on my FB friends list..you know the kind..the ones that skinny (or maybe not skinny, but better looking than me!), the perfect husband, the perfect kids, the perfect house, have an amazing job (or hobby) that they love and are good at..or better still, don't have to work. The perfect Christian...they are involved in ALL areas of their church. Their weekends are filled w/ family, and friends. I have almost deleted a few (and I think I have deleted a few), b/c I can hardly stand their statuses, or their pages. I feel so inferior..I do. I am not perfect, not skinny (not even fit), certainly no kids..and I love my hubby, but he is not perfect..our house is too small, and it is a place for DH's projects, so I don't even want to keep it clean anymore...and well, my job is fine..but it's definitely not what I would call a career (although, I am very blessed to have a job). I just feel sad, b/c I wish our life were a bit more...normal!! Normal people our age would looking after their kids, house, doing a full time job...money (or at least more than we do now). Sometimes, I feel that even w/ my friends, I feel that I don't want to be with them, b/c they have more $$ than us. Although they don't flash it..you can see it..their house, car, trips...and we don't have that. Sometimes, I do feel happy that our life is quietly paced. I can get up when I want..watch tv in the morning if I want to..spend time on FB..go and sit in the park...and don't get me wrong..I am grateful for those times. But there are a lot of times where I wish our lives were normal and crazy!! I see people having babies, buying houses, going on trips...and I just wish that were us. I guess the Lord knows what we need..when we need it!!

Well, on for my news!! My brother and his wife adopted a beautiful baby boy earlier this month. They got him from birth, and they took him home from the hospital!! Such a beautiful story of love and adoption....they named him Hayden!! I did go and see him last weekend for the day, and I got to love on him for a couple of hours!! They are all doing well!!

Have a great day, everyone!

Friday, May 6, 2011

My Thoughts on Mother's Day

Hello...And Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there..especially to my MOMMY!! She has been an amazing mom...always there when I need her....loves to talk to me...pretty much about everything....just amazing. I feel so blessed that we have always gotten along...of course, there are the odd tiffs, but they always blow over quickly. She was there for me during my stay in the hospital last year...nearly every day for a month. She is one of my biggest cheer-ers!!

Well, I am about to leave go to away for the weekend..I will tell you more about it when I return. I am looking forward to it, that's for sure.

I must say, though..that this year..probably more than any other year, Mother's Day will be a bit more sad:( A more of a longing in my heart.....I have pretty much come to the conclusion that unless the Lord decides otherwise, we will not be having a baby. Of course, like I said, it's not iron-clad. But I think I have pretty much "made peace" with not having a baby. There are a few decisions, but mainly, my health. Although the pari-natologists said cautiously that I would be ok during a pregnancy, they also said (from what I remember) that there is a chance (about 25%) that my body wouldn't hold up during this time. My heart, and my lungs are the main problem, but also my blood-clotting issue is another problem. Also, I have the CF-carrier) Cystic Fibrosis), and IF Anker has that same gene as well (he still needs to be tested), the chances of our having a baby w/ CF can be up to 25%. That really doesn't seem like a lot, but I was talking w/ one of the doctors at the metabolic clinic back in April, and she said (referring to the 25% chance of my not making it through a PG), that 25% is actually a high percentage. She said that they won't even operate on someone who's chances of dying during surgery are 10%. That was a sobering fact, for sure. There are a few other factors, too..but those are the main ones. (FYI..my PCOS [in my opinion] isn't much of an issue..you can just get clomid to fix that...although you CAN have twins...that would pretty much be the death of me physically). Adoption is probably not an option for us..I think I have stated this before. Finances, and even if we were to adopt through BC, you don't know what kind of child you are going to get, and I don't think we can take on a child w/ special needs.

SOOO.....all that being said..this Mother's Day will be a bit sad...I know, I know..being a mother is not everything..wasn't that said by a mother?? LOL There are certainly times during my life when I am happy that we don't have kids..I can do what I want, when I want..I can buy stuff (not that I buy a lot anyway) for myself..and be a bit selfish...just jump in the car and go out (or on a trip-not that we do a lot of that, anyway). We only have ourselves to worry about....but there are times when I am really sad that we don't have kids. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother..that is the only thing that I have wanted to be (oh, and a wife, too!). I haven't really wanted to get a big career..I mean..I guess I have...but I haven't worked towards it.

I don't really have a satisfying job..it's good money, and it does get me out...and that is good...but honestly? The job isn't a career. I don't do a lot of volunteering in the community...and I really don't have a big social life. I DO help out w/ Sunday School and the nursery, so that is really fun. I just want to have something (or DO something) that is fulfilling. I am thinking of taking an ECE course. Not to work in Daycare, but I would love to teach pre-school:) Or, eventually, maybe be a co-ordinator or something to do w/ Daycare. We'll see. It's a two year and expensive course.

I sometimes get angry that I got sick last year, causing me not to probably have kids...I wonder why God allowed that....I wonder why I am not blessed w/ my own babies. I am sad that I won't get to hear a child call me "mama". I think I would make a good (although slightly neurotic) mom!! I would love see my parents become Grandparents:) I would love to be connected my mom even more through babies!! I have to give EVERYTHING..my plans, my health...to GOD!!! HE KNOWS what I (we) need!!! Part of me is excited about what God has in store for me (us)!!

However...all of that aside...I am feeling that God is preparing me for something...I don't know what it is..maybe I am wrong....maybe it's not FOR ME..but maybe it's for someone else in my life...I am drawn to Baby Loss Mama's blogs, and adoption blogs....I love reading those sad and happy (respectively) stories. Just some thoughts.....

I just wanted to quickly update you on our week...we got our car back..$900 to fix it..nice!! I hope that that is it for awhile..although Anker says that there are a few things left to be done, but we can do them one thing at a time. Good thing I have a job!! I must say that I was VERY grateful for my job during this time!! Sunday, Anker and I went to the park downtown (I love it..others sometimes don't...it's a good park to me!) and we hung out for a bit...just chatted, and read a book that we have been trying to read for a couple of years...such a beautiful sunny day...and we also went for ice cream!! Yogurt for me!!) Monday we both voted, and then we went to do my walking test w/ the oxymeter...and things look GOOD!! So, I don't know why the numbers went down so low last time. I am not doing much excersising, though..I see my Dr. next Tuesday to see the results, and to discuss some other stuff. Tuesday, I cleaned part of the bathroom, and Anker and I ran a couple of errands...I had to run to the grocery store for something for supper. We 4 girls at work each have our day of cooking supper. We love it, and it beats going to DQ every night. I DO miss eating w/ Anker every night..we hardly ever eat together anymore. Maybe once or twice a week..usually on the weekends. Wednesday, I spent some time in the park. It was such a lovely day! I love spending time there...just reading, or whatever. The rest of the week has been pretty quiet....

Looking forward to this wknd...and to what God has for me!

Have a wonderful Mother's Day Weekend!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Yes, we are Still Here!!

I have been a very bad blogger, lately. I am not really sure why..I think mainly because I don't know what to write.

Even now, I don't know if I should talk about my two trips, and update you on my health, or talk about how much I am dreading Mothers' Day this year. Or I could just talk about our mundane life:)

Well, I think I will do a bit of everything, and do a semi-short update.

The first weekend in April, Anker and I went to my parents' for about 24 hours. I barely remember what we did. I think we just helped out, and generally had a good time.

On Sunday, April 10, my friend and I boarded a bus to Vancouver. I was going to Van for about 2 days' worth of Dr's appts, and Anker wasn't able to take time off, as we were going Edmonton later in the month (more on that in a bit), but I didn't want to go alone. So, I asked my friend. We had a great time. We stayed at the Windsor Guest House. I really like it, although this time, the beds weren't the greatest..but we got our own private bathroom, which was nice. I would recommend to anyone who is planning to stay in Vancouver for a bit. I won't do a play by play of our trip, but I will say that it was fun..the high lights....eating at White Spot, going to Granville Island, and having tea at a little tea shop..oh, and going to the Christian book store. The weather there was sooo beautiful (well, on Monday, at least). It was a nice time, and I think my friend really enjoyed her time away.

As far as what the Dr's. said..I am still going for more tests, etc. I have an overnight oxymetry on Monday night (where I sleep w/ an pulse-ox monitor on my finger), to read my oxygen lvls while I sleep. My AbG's (a blood test that is done in the wrist) were good. I also am having a walking test here in Kamloops. I had one in (very short) at the Lung Centre, and my o2 lvls were in the 80's. Not cool. So, I may have to have oxygen while I walk, etc. I also may have to have modified duties at my work. I can't work 4 (or sometimes longer) hours w/ only one 15 m break. I need to take little breaks during my shift, (b/c I talk so much w/ my job, I tend to get out of breath easily) so I am seeing my Dr in about 2 weeks to see what he can do. I also saw my internist here on the 13th, and I really have to decrease my salt..like a lot more than I am doing:( It's hard, b/c EVERYTHING has salt in it!! I also need to try and lose more weight:( I also could be diabetic:( Blah:( Oh..I also saw the Metabolic Clinic and the EMG clinic. Basically, nothing is new there...they don't think it's a Metabolic issue, nor do they think it's a muscle issue.

We also got two new things..our Dig Camera died around Christmas time, and we had been looking for a semi-cheap camera since then. In early April, Anker was looking through the CT catalogue when he came across a Kodak DC. It was at a great price, so we just decided to go for it..and with $10 off in store coupon, it made it even better! We also decided (ok, me) to get a cell phone. We haven't had one for about a year, and we have really missed it..well, actually, I have only missed it for the last month or so. Especially with our car not 100% (again, more on that in a minute), and w/ me going to the ranch probably more often, I wanted a phone to take with me. We were really afraid w/ going w/ a contract, though, so we were putting it off. Well, we ended up finding a good deal w/ Koodo. It seems like a good one. It is just what we need....something simple and not complicated!!

So, btwn the trip to Van, and the trip to Edmonton, I really don't think anything much happened, or at least nothing to blog about:)

This last weekend, we went to Edmonton. Anker and I hardly ever make travel plans!!! Seriously..just ask my family..we will say that we are thinking of coming up..but we never say (for sure) until the day or so before..why? Because things COME UP!!! Or, Anker may not be able to take the day off like we thought....well, we decided to make plans for this trip....about two weeks before we left, Anker reserved the hotel..about $200. Well, about 2 days before we leave..Anker starts to notice a leak in our car...he tried to fix it, thinking that it was the water pump, but that wasn't it. He decided to take in to get it looked at, and I don't really understand it all, but it has something to do w/ the intake gaskett. He was going to try to fix it himself, but he realized (and after talking to my dad) that he shouldn't really fix it himself. We call different places, to see if they can fix it..but since we were leaving on the 21st, there wasn't really a lot of time. No one can fix it that day...nice....so, we decide that we are going to rent a car....so, we rent a car..more problems..thankfully, it gets worked out. We get the car....and we leave the next day. The trip is lovely..such beautiful weather. We check into our hotel....DH realizes that he didn't bring is current CC w/ him!! Our hotel is great....maybe I will write a review on here about it some day....and we can finally relax now!!. It was an ok weekend...we just spent time hanging out, and being together..we did manage to get to a mall. The trip home went well. Another beautiful day. We spent time at my parents place on the way back. It was such a beautiful couple of days. On Sunday, we went to church, and I hung out all afternoon..playing w/ the new puppies, and hanging out w/ the orphan lambs. I loved chatting w/ family and friends. We had an Easter Dinner on Sunday night, and we enjoyed getting it all ready:) Only missing Luke and Amanda!! Gave the rental car back..nearly $500....got our car back..nearly $1K....(not kidding), and it still needs more work done. Oh well..such is life..right? Glad we went away..even though the events leading up to it were a bit stressful!!

I will put my thoughts on Mothers Day on another post...Hugs to all!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It's Spring in my books!!

I know it's not "officially" spring, but it is in my books. The snow is nearly gone, and I haven't had to go out in my winter coat for a few days now, and it's warm(er)!! I usually start wearing capri pants next month. I usually wear Capri pants from April-November. True story. Unless it's REALLY cold, or I am on the beach. I love capris!! Love, Love, Love! I just love spring. The new life..warmer weather. I just love it.

Ok...I should probably update on what we've been up to. Basically, not much. I did go to Calgary on Feb 25-27. I went w/ the VCC Youth Group, as they were going to a conference. I really wanted to get out of town for a couple of days, and when I heard that they were going, I called and asked my brother (who was taking them) if I could hitch a ride. When they said that they were coming around my way, I definitely wanted to go. It was a nice weekend..I was slightly disappointed, as I was hoping to do more "girly" things w/ my aunt. In the end, one full day isn't enough to do everything. But it was a nice little break. I got to go the mall, and eat at Red Lobster, and my other brother took me out to a neat little Vietnemese Restaurant, so I was happy. The roads after Revelstoke on the way back were horrible, but we all got home safe and sound.

Work is going ok...I am tired of working in the evenings, but it's something for now. I don't plan on being there forever. I am already starting to look for something else, but I am not rushing into anything.

I am seeing my GP tomorrow, as I am a bit concerned b/c of weight gain (yes, some of it is probably my fault...but not all of it), and I have been pretty tired, and I am noticing that when I talk, I get breathless. My IM specialist is not available until mid-April. GRR!! I hope he takes me seriously, and he doesn't just tell me to lose weight. I don't have any edema, though, so that is good. I just had a visit from the RT today, and she said that everything is fine, but my O2 puls-ox was at 93, down from 96 last time. I also seem to be walking ok, too, which is good..even up hill (although my legs do get sore). I don't want it to get any worse, so I just want to get it checked out.

I saw my OB/GYNE yesterday about my cyst. He says that it is definitely nothing to worry about...and as far as the fluid surrounding the cyst (not, if any abdominal fluid), is not much to worry about. I will have another U/S in June sometime.

These past two weekends have been fairly quiet. Just running errands, cleaning house, having coffee w/ people...church.

I helped to celebrate my sisters bday last Tuesday. We all went to the new Mino's ( A Greek restaurant), and it was oh-so yummy!!

So, other than health stuff (and maybe a rant or two later on..lol), really nothing new.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

BCAA

I also got BCAA two weekends ago..I was sick of having to call a tow truck/or using someone else BCAA to get our car towed/started. I can get it taken out monthly, so it won't be so much.

I am waiting on a few things from eBay. I paid for one nearly a month ago, and it's still not here yet. I called PayPal, and I filed a claim. The two other things should be here soon...:)

Just an Update

I should probably be getting ready for work right now, but I thought that I would quickly update on what is going on around here.

Not a lot, really..Just every day stuff:) We had SNOW last night, and early this morning. I am not happy. It also turned REALLY cold over the weekend:( One day, I was out in my light jacket, the next day, back the winter one. At least it's been sunny!!

Regarding my cyst..I finally heard back from my surgeon, and she said that it hasn't grown. Apparently, it was in the CT scan last March, but they didn't do anything about it, which makes me a bit upset. It was about 6cm, and now it has gone down to about 4 cm. To be honest, I am not totally content w/ what she said. I still have fluid in my abdomen (more on that in a minute), so I just don't understand why it's still there:( They will do another u/s in June to see how it's doing. I am doing fine, no pain, any everything else is fine. I will go to my Dr. here to see if we can take some of that fluid off.

I have gained nearly 20lbs since last April. I am not happy. I know some of it is my fault, but not all..since I have fluid...it's obviously some fluid that is making up the weight. I am trying to eat better (or at least, add more fruits, veggies in my diet), but not doing that great w/ lowering my salt (although, some days i do ok). I hope to lose a bit once I start walking more.

I have some trips planned this year...a couple to Vancouver, and maybe one to Edmonton at the end of April. I am hoping to go to Calgary this weekend. I am able to get in on a youth trip, so it will pretty much a free ride. I will let you know if I went, and how it went when I get back! There are also a few other things we (or me) have in the works...we'll see!

I have an MRI (two actually) booked this Thursday and next Monday. I asked to have them in two separate appts, since I can't do 90 min. at one time. I am a bit nervous, since i can only really take a gravol...it's not so much the being in their, it's just the annoying noises that it makes. I was told that it is open on both ends, and I can have music. I don't remember this last time I had it at RIH.

Work is still going well. It definitely has it's moments. I love how they are so flexible w/ my going away, etc. Even this Monday, it is at 5pm, and they pretty much said I could do what I wanted (take it off, work a split shift, etc). It is an easy job, but I am pretty tired when Thursday rolls around. Last week was actually a bad week at work..I was very glad to see Thursday evening roll around!! I may try to find another 1ohour/wk job, just to supplement. We'll see.

Oh..back to Vancouver..I had all my appts (3) booked on two days in April. My MS Dr's office calls and says that she can't see me that day! GRR! So, I book it end of March. Oh well...I am hoping that I can get a ride w/someone, at least one way.

This last weekend was pretty good....I did my SS lesson, and ran a few errands on Friday (hung out at the church for a bit), and I made dinner (gasp!) and we watched "Unstoppable". I guess that was our date night. Saturday, Dad took Anker and I out to lunch, and then I went over to see my friend, and we went for a walk. Ended up having BP for dinner (take-out), and I called a few people. Sunday, Anker woke up w/ what we think was a migraine, so he stayed home from church (again!), and I went, as I had to teach Sunday School. I went out to lunch w/ some friends, and came home and just hung out for the day. I ended up cleaning our bedroom, which took me 2 hours. Watched our shows, and that was our weekend!!

The weekend before (Vday weekend), I enjoyed some alone time and Starbucks. I went to see my friend who had been in the hospital for nearly a month, only to find that she was being discharged!! I waited around for a bit (I had paid for my hour of parking), and her DH came, and we chatted for a bit, and as a thank you for me spending time w/ her..he offered to take Anker and I out for dinner. We had a nice dinner, but we were really tired..we..came home and hung out. I went to coffee w/ a friend on Saturday, and I got Anker his VDay gift at Chapters, so I hung out there for a bit..and I also went to the mall. Anker and I also went grocery shopping on Saturday. Sunday, we went to church, and they had a fund-raiser dinner for some people who are going to Guatamala..so we had spaghetti..yummy! Ended up going out for lunch on VDay...it was very good. So, that was last weekend.

I really still would like to have a baby...I feel so left out at times..I am following some blogs (BTW, I was able to delete some of the blogs I had been following, but didn't want to continue doing so anymore) of some BLM's (Baby Loss Mama's), and even THEY are getting PG again..don't get me wrong..I am soo happy for them...but I feel gyped, and cheated out of not having one of my own:(

I am thinking of making this blog public...I really want to meet new blogging friends..we'll see, though. I am a bit nervous..taking it out there...

We got Shaw Internet for $10/month for 6 months, and we got a free PVR thrown in. I don't know what we would do with it. If we are not here when the show comes on...we don't usually watch it. I don't even know how to work the thing.

I hope to have some more news to share..but that will have to wait:)

The Thursday before for VDay weekend, I was coming home from work, and the car started making odd noises, and I lost the heat:( I got really scared, and of course, I hit ALL the red lights coming home. I prayed like crazy! It ended up just that there was hardly any fluid in the car! Anker filled it up, and it was fine..but it scared me into getting my BCAA membership.

I am also trying to read a book called "Nurture" by Lisa Bevere. I spent some time at Starbucks last Tuesday, and read a chapter..I really like it. The problem is...I have to find the time to read it!!

PS....I was at the library yesterday, taking out some magazines, and I went to get my card out of my wallet, and there was no wallet! I freaked out a bit, but not too much, b/c I was pretty sure it was at home..and sure enough, it was..:) I couldn't have dealt with a lost wallet:(

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Cancer

Don't worry, I don't have it (more on that in a moment), but is has been on my mind lately.

Maybe it's because there is a girl about 7 yrs old who's blog I have been following for 18 months has had her tumour return. Or, maybe it's because one of my old Bible College professors ended his fight with a blood cancer on Friday. Or, maybe it's because I **AM** worried that the cyst I have IS cancer..or maybe the leasions on my brain ARE cancer! Yes, I know, I am being overly dramatic, but I just worry about stuff like that. I don't understand sometimes, why God chooses not to heal people of any disease, for that matter.

Kate is a beautiful young lady, who at 5 1/2 yrs old was diagnosed w/ a rare brain tumuour, that turned out to be cancer. She has endured more than a child (or adult, for that matter) should in the last 18 months. Stuff that no one should have to know about..cancer, chemo, MRI, CT's, PET. Things seemed to be going well, I think she even had a clear MRI scan. On Tuesday of last week, she had another repeat scan, and it showed that it has returned. My heart was breaking. I don't understand why God hasn't chosen to heal her. They live in Phoenix (or around), AZ. Her dad is a pastor, and her mom is a former nurse (they have both friended me on FB). Kate has an older sister Olivia, and a younger brother Will. They don't know where to go next. Probably, surgery is not an option..neither is chemo or radiation. They will probably have to try something experimental (as they did the last time). Please pray for them if you remember.

John was my former Bible College professor at ABC. He is about my mom's age. He has wife, Becky have been married probably about the same length of time as my parents. They have 3 daughters, and one grandson. He was diagnosed with a blood cancer about 7 yrs ago. He wasn't expected to live longer than 2 yrs. He lived 7. Again, I don't know why God chose not to heal him. Please pray for this family, as they grieve their loss.

I am still waiting for my U/S reports. I have two MRI's booked for the end of the month. I am doing two, as I won't be able to do 90 minutes. I am prepared for anything (re:cyst), but I think they will just want to watch it for the next few months.

Anker and I are both feeling sick today, so we are home from church. It's snowing today!! Not looking forward to going out on the roads tomorrow. Having an ok weekend. Finally got some cleaning done yesterday, and I visited my friend in the hospital. I also enjoyed a Starbucks and read some magazines, and people watched..and just generally enjoyed the sunshine. It was such a beautiful day yesterday. Anker and I had a very short date night last night. Went to KFC/Taco Bell for supper. He wasn't feeling well, so he went to bed, and I watched a movie.

Not much this time:)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

This Town, and other complaints

Don't Say I didn't warn you!!

I woke up this morning with what I hoped would be a productive day..I really haven't done much. I did throw a load of laundry in the wash, and I did sweep and mop the floor, but the bathroom should get cleaned, and our living room should get vacuumed, but I don't feel like doing it today. Yes, I am lazy! I usually have Saturdays as my cleaning and home day..but I am just not into that...I am finally getting rid of our Christmas decorations, which have been in containors since, well, CHristmas. WIth our having a storage space (anker's bike parts are in our house storage), it's not as easy to get stuff/take stuff back..oh well...at least when it's gone, we don't have to look at it.

I really wish we had a bigger place. I look at people's blogs and pics on facebook, with a tinge of jealousy..our place is a dump compared to theirs...oh well..such is life. I am not artsy at all, so I can't just go and make stuff to put on our walls, or make nice blinds...although am wishing that I could paint a wall or two.

Back to the title of this post...Most of the time, I really like where we live. It's not too big, has a nice (fairly) major mall, the traffic isn't terrible, and it is a nice place..however, there isn't much to do..especially if you don't have a lot of money. In the summer, it's not as bad..we can go the park, or a walk, etc..there is the farmers' market, Music in the Park. In the winter, however, there isn't much. We don't ski, and movies are fun, but there aren't many that we both want to see (I did see The Kings Speech, which was fabulous). We don't do the theatre, and although going for coffee is nice, it does get a bit tiring after awhile..I mean, how much coffee can you drink? Usually Saturday night is Date Night. Usually, we (I) make dinner, I grab a movie or two, and we stay home and watch movies and eat supper. That's fine..once a month..but neither do we want to go and spent $$ on dinner, and/or a movie. We don't get many invites out, either (but we also don't have many people over, so maybe that's our problem), so that isn't an option, and with no family here, we just can't say we are coming for dinner...:) Anyone have any ideas? It doesn't have to be totally free, but low cost would be great!! Right now, the plan is for Anker to make dinner, and we may go out for dessert..we'll probably rent a movie...but at least we have gone out.

That being said, we did go out last night for dinner w/ my aunt and her boyfriend (they paid, which was sweet). We went to a motel restaurant, which was really good!

I also wish I had a few close girlfriends..yes, I do have them..but they are usually pretty busy...either w/ their kids, or grandkids..so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like...I really need a girls' night...badly.

Enough complaining for now....Happy Saturday!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Point Form

My blogging friend, Amber does a random thoughts post in point form every Tuesday, so I wanted to do it..I have a couple of times...and I like it...

I think I keep up with too many blogs. I don't really know how to delete a blog that I am following, well, I do, but it seems too much of a chore to delete it.

I have been disappointed in french fries lately. The only ones I really like are McDonalds. I don't even like Wendy's much any more.

My friends and I went to watch "The King's Speech" on Sunday. It was really good. Today, I learned that it got 12 Oscar nodds. This makes me happy.

I really want to start reading "Anne Frank's Diary". Maybe if I spent less time on Facebook, I will get to it.

We still have our tree and some decorations in our house. We have to take them to the mini-storage.

I think I have strep-throat. It feels like I burned my throat (as if I have drunk a hot drink). My friend told me that that was to ST feels like. Lovely.

I love having 3 days off. Usually, Fridays are my errand days, Saturdays are my stay at home cleaning, and relaxing days, and Sundays are my church and total nothing days.

Our car went on the fritz last Wednesday. I had taken it Mr. L@be to get it's oil changed, and it wouldn't start as I was about to leave. It turned out that the starter had gone. $450 later, we got her fixed. Yesterday, we got the oil send unit fixed...I hope this isn't the sign of things to come...we have been very blessed w/ this car..really, not a lot of problems.

I tried a new doctor, but I don't like her, so I will stick w/ my same doctor.

I have the genetic markings of CF...grr..Anker needs to get tested next.

I got my U/S done today. I asked the tech if the cyst was still there..it was, and it had gotten bigger. I will have to call my cancer specialist in a week, to see what she wants to do, if anything.

I have been busy visiting two ladies from my home church the last few days. One has left (she may return, as she wasn't feeling well this evening), so it is just one now. I feel really bad, as she doesn't have a lot of visitors..her husband has been in, but he has been sick, so I am sort of just trying to do what I can do to help out. If I am sick, though..I won't be going.

I think the last few weekends have been good. I really can't remember...went to BP one Saturday night...spent some time w/ my mom and sister two Saturdays ago, and I help my sister get her grad dress.

My friend started working at the same place I work..so it will be a great time, for sure!

I also got a raise at work! This makes me happy:)

We got Tier 3 Cable (again) this past week. If we can't afford it, we will cancel it, but it is nice to have TLC, Food Network, amongst our other fav. channels.

Will you all posted!!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Not Forgotten...

I wasn't going to blog tonight (I was actually just going to shut down and head to bed), but I thought I would quickly post what happened the last few days.

I wasn't going to post this, but I figure, this is a place where I can update, and share my thoughts and feelings..so, why not?

A few days ago (Wednesday), I took a pregnancy test. I have taken them before, but it has been awhile (a year, maybe??) since I took one. I was late. I haven't been late for awhile. I was hoping. Praying. Thinking. Maybe. I was excited!! I didn't have any symptoms, so I was pretty sure I wasn't, but a lot of women don't have any symptoms, so I thought.."why not"? So, I bought a test, took it in Starbucks (well, in the bathroom, of course!), and nothing happened. I realised later that I did it wrong. Not wanting to waste it, I did it later that night at work. I peed in a cup. It was negative. I was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad. This was the first time a long time that I really felt the need to get a test. I was carrying it in my purse, and I just happened to look at it again, when I noticed a faint second line (it is suppose to be a '+' sign..).I thought..maybe?? I even went to my friends' blog, b/c I remember reading about a faint line she had on a (now) positive pregnancy test. I got excited again. I planned to take it on Friday. Well, I didn't need to. Again, I was a bit sad...but not surprised. The second is saved for another time.

Now, on the the title of my post....

One of the bad things about Facebook is that you know when everyone is pregnant, sharing stories, pictures, etc. Don't get me wrong..I love it..and i am happy for them..but it does get a bit tiring after awhile. I am tired of always having to pretend that I am happy for them, when I really, my heart is sad. I often don't look at pictures of their babies (at least at first) b/c it is too hard. I don't think I am as popular or likeable person, b/c I am not a mom. (I seriously think this sometimes). I am also getting tired of people congratulating single moms. Sorry..I am sure that I will make some enemies over that comment, but I just don't have it in me to congratulate single moms right now. But that is for a different day...

Ok..again..back to the title of my post...

I was laying in bed last night..not really praying, but sort of...and I was asking God to help either take away the desire for me to have a baby, or give us one. I was praying about some other things...so...suddenly, I was thinking back to when I was single, and crying b/c I wasn't married. I remember saying to God (and to anyone else who would listen) that he had must have forgotten about me, b/c all of my friends were married, and I wasn't. Well, we know the end of that story, don't we? I realized that God didn't forget me then, and he hasn't forgotten about me now. I don't know where this "Baby Chapter" in our life is going, or where (or when) it will end. Maybe we will never have a baby..maybe we will...but I know that God hasn't forgotten about me. He LOVES ME! Being a mom doesn't make you a better person..just like Marriage vs Singleness...it's just different. Anyway..babies are messy....

Had a good weekend...took our tree down...just relaxed ystrdy...church, and lunch out with a friend today. Totally relaxed for the rest of the day..I had a nap:) Pure Bliss!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Christmas

Yes, I am a bad blogger!! I was hoping to blog before Christmas, but I never ended up getting around to it. Remember when I was asking "Where are you, Christmas?" Well, I finally started getting out of my slump (or whatever it was) a few days later, so I managed to get enjoy getting ready for Christmas.

I finally was able to finish off the rest of my blood work that I couldn't get done from the 15th. It was much easier this time.

Ok..well, I finally was able to get ready, and shop for Anker, and bake, bake, and bake again! I even gave some baking to some neighbours, cause I am nice, like that.

I had to work until the 22nd (that day, too), and I spent the 23rd getting ready to go. I finally found some pants that fit me that that were long enough for me, and I did some shopping (for gifts). Like I said, I baked, and baked. It was fun...I really love doing that sometimes.

The morning of the 24th, Anker and I got ready to go. The one good thing of having NO SNOW, was that the roads were perfect. We picked up Isaac's (Anker got his name) Christmas gift..an 8 week-old puppy, who he ended up naming Ginger. She was pretty good on the ride over. Even though we got a travel kennel for her, I held her the entire time..I just love puppies. There was hardly any traffic, which really surprised me. We had to hide her and Adam's, so Isaac wouldn't (obviously) see her.

Had a nice Christmas eve. Mom made clam chowder, and that was the only meal (other than Christmas Dinner) that we all had together. Anker went and fell and hurt his back (he is better now..he's still a bit sore, though), and was down for the rest of the evening. Our church had a Christmas Eve service..the first we've had in about 30 years. It was a nice service, but Anker couldn't attend, so I was a bit grumpy.

Came home and had egg nog, and visited. Helped with the stuffing, and by then Anker was feeling better, so we went and visited Aunty Valerie and Uncle John. It has always been at tradition to visit Val (then her and John) at Christmas Eve. We also usually go for a walk, but b/c of the C. E Service, and b/c there was so much ice (which thankfully, melted the next day) we didn't go. Came back from V&J's and finished up the stuffing, which had long since been abandoned.

Christmas Day was nice...It's different not having any little kids around..so long it was the younger siblings, and until a few years, ago, we had young kids BEGGING to open gifts, etc (and no adults, of course!!), so it was nice to have to rush into anything (although we did put up a "fight" to have to wait until 9 to open gifts..lol).

Had our communion, and then we opened our stockings, and had breakfast. Dad and Isaac fed sheep, which is usually spread out the night before, but we had to divert Isaac, so we could get the puppy and wrap her up. Isaac was SO surprised to see the puppy!She pretty much spent the day in his arms. So, had a nice quiet morning. I got the 13th Season of ER from Adam (who had my name), and a watch and earrings from Anker. We also got some drinking glasses and I got some perfume, as well as various small gifts. The rest of Christmas Day was nice. Made and had dinner..yummy, as usual...and played some games, and watched one episode of "Columbo" that Mom gave Dad.

The rest of the time was spent visiting, and watching TV. Had a nice visit w/ Mom, and also saw my aunty June a couple of times. Visited Aunty Valerie and Uncle John. Had supper with friends and watched "Inception". Ended having a girls day with my sister on Boxing Day after church. Grabbed some lunch and went "Boxing Day" Shopping at the only place that was open..Fields! Read abit, and just generally relaxed. (not that I don't do that at home!)

Came home on the 29th, and just hung out and relaxed for the next few days. We stayed home for NYE, and watched ER, and had Chinese food. Anker didn't want to navigate the roads, and I wasn't feeling well, so I stayed home with him. New Years Day, I ended up visiting some friends. Church was the next day, and we had friends over for supper. We were given a turkey (along with other stuff) from our church, and we wanted to share it w/ someone. It was a nice evening, but I sure was tired after.

Our neighbours have moved out! At least, I think so. This makes me happy.

So, we've had snow the last few days..I love it, but I hate driving in it.

My throat feels odd tonight. I am hoping that it is just burnt from my hot chocolate that I had this morning.

Back to work on the third.

I finally got the results from my neuro about my Spinal tap results, and I don't have MS..this also makes me very happy!!

We did go and watched "Dawn Treader" and we really liked it.

That's all for now...Hope everyone had a great NY!!