Monday, November 29, 2010

Days 11 and 12, and an Update!

Day 11 .....Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I would have to say my smile. A lot of people (ok, mainly family) have complimented me on my smile. I don't know what else to say, because if I say anything more, it will sound like I am bragging! Anyway...I actually like it, too (the smile, not the bragging!), so I thought I would put it in for this "Truth".

Day 12 ...Something you never get compliments on.

I don't know if this really counts, or not..but I thought about it, and I think I do very well is living with less than (maybe) I want or need. I don't know how else to word it. I don't like to say "going without", b/c I really (at least most of the time!!) don't feel that I go "without". I guess what I mean is..I don't have the newest things. We don't even have a new TV, we don't have a Blue-Ray, nice furniture, etc. We never go on nice vacations (or even a night away...or if we do, we stay at people's places), etc. I know of several people in my life that couldn't live the way I do. I have lived (before I was married) in very small places, above people that would smoke weed, you get the idea. Most of the time, I am ok with the way we live. Sometimes, it gets me down, but then I read something, or realize that everything is ok!!

An Update:

So..I really need to update...

Last weekend, I met up w/ my SIL, K, and we saw the movie "Morning Glory". It was a cute movie. I am not sure that I would run out and buy it, but it was cute. We had a nice visit over tea and chips for over an hour.

Last Saturday (not this last one, but the before that..the 20th, I think??), was a pretty relaxing one. It snowed, so we both stayed in. We had popcorn and hot chocolate, and we watched "Horton Hears a Who" on Netflix. Just hung out in the evening. I think we ordered Chinese food, and watched another movie.

Not quite sure what I did Sunday. I think I ran out and did some errands.

This past week has been ok. I saw my internist, and nothing new to report. Just everything is good. My hemoglobin, which we were worried, b/c it was high, is now back to normal. Anker and I went out and ran some errands, and had a nice afternoon. Wednesday, I met my mom, who was in town for a few days, and did some boot shopping, and I ended up buying her gift (we draw names every year). She said she was looking for some boots, so I just decided to buy them, which she was happy about!! Not sure what I did Thursday..I am sure something exciting!! I think Anker and I ran some more errands. It snowed a lot, so Anker drove me to and from work. On Friday, I had my LP. I was VERY worried about it, but thankfully, there wasn't much time worry, since they only called me last Monday to tell me that they had a spot on Friday. It all went very well, and I only had a mild headache for about 2 minutes. They said I could stay for an hour, which helped. Anker was very good to me:) That night, our neighbours had a party, which turned bad. We had to call the cops twice, plus more people in our block called I don't know how many times they were actually called. I hope they move soon. They say they are..we'll see. Sunday was church, and I had to run an errand, and came home and just hung out. Anker didn't feel well for some of it.

That's it for now. I am probably heading to Vancouver this Sunday for a day or two. Seeing the oncologist, so I am anxious (both good and bad) to hear what he says.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth, Days 9 and 10

I am going to start doubling up on these, since it is nearing December, and I have have other thing to write about..ok, not really, but this is taken WAY too long...

Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Probably most of my friends that have drifted, are all now on Facebook. I have one friend, from Calgary, who used to be a really good know, those ones who would spend hours w/ you on the phone. We were both single at the time, so we would complain on how we hated our single life, etc. Sadly, there were also times where we would go through months where we didn't talk. This was mainly on her part. Even though she is on FB, we don't talk much. I find this really sad:(

I am also sad because one of my best friends has drifted. It's really no ones fault. She is just very bush with work, and her family. I would love to talk w/ her about once a week, but she is very busy, and with me working 4 nights a week, well, it's hard to connect. But, we are still good friends, and we may end up going on a girls weekend maybe in the spring??

Speaking of friends...I really need a girls night..I don' t have a lot of friends right now that I talk do on a daily basis. It's sad, but it's just life right now:( I DO have friends..and I guess it's partly my fault..I need to reach out more, I guess...Ok..on to day 1o!

Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

This is kind of a hard question, because all the people that I wish I didn't know, or who I need to let go, are either let go, or just not involved in my life!! Probably me ex-boyfriend would fall into that last category (who I wish I didn't know). Thankfully, he is not in my life anymore, so that is not an issue. There are some people on Facebook who I should probably let go, but I still keep them on. Why?? I have no clue!! Most of these are people that I know through friends, or people who I haven't met, but I add on. I am finding it looking at friends' babies' these days. Maybe I should delete my "mom" friends who I barely know!! It's a good thought, I guess. I don't know why I hang on to these people. I often

Just a quick note re: my health. I had my LP on Friday, and it went quite well. Just a bit of a headache, and I was a bit "woozy" for a few hours. Thank you to all who prayed for me!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth, Day 8

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like s**t.

I have started this post twice, and each time, I have a different answer....There are probably a few people that have made my life hell.

To start off with, there are a few bosses, one Dr. in Regina who I worked with, and a few in Calgary that were so bad, I really should have reported them! They were down right abusive and mean, and rude (although, w/ one of my bosses, we also did have some fun times together, too. She was probably the most social bosses that I had..we'd go out to dinner a lot..but yah, definitely mean). They would be your friend one day, then rude to you the next. They were all at Doctors' offices! The Doctor in Regina would yell at me in front of patients! I don't know why I stuck it out. I would cry nearly every day at these jobs..yes every day. I wouldn't go to church sometimes, b/c I didn't want to be around "happy/perfect" people. I was in a depression, b/c I hated my work life!! Thankfully, God intervened, and I was laid off from one job, and I ended up quitting my other job, and my last job I was fired. I really think that these ladies (and one male Doctor in Calgary) really felt that it was their need or calling to make my life miserable nearly every working day. Somehow, I stuck it out, and I think it in the end, it made me a stronger person.

I also had a "landlady" was a real byatch! It was wen I was first getting settled in Kamloops, and I was looking for a place to live. She said she owned the house, and she said she was a Christian..blah, blah, blah...well, fast forward about 2 months later... She locked me out of the house, b/c I ratted on her to the real land lady for something (a big long story, that I won't get in to) Then, she packed my stuff, and decided to take a few things for herself! She stole a diary of mine, a coat, movies, cd's, and my Daughter's pride ring my parents got for me:( We even tried to go to court, but they wouldn't listen to either of us, and she won! GRR! She also took money from my parents (who had helped me pay for rent, etc), and also the Damage Deposit..anyway..that was the last time I swore I would ever live w/ anyone again (except for maybe a relative, or of course, my husband).

Sunday, November 21, 2010

So Tired....

I didn't blog yesterday, mainly b/c I just didn't want I thought I would take a break in the Thirty Days of Truth, and post what has been on my mind and heart the last few days (among many thoughts..LOL). Now, please bare (bear??) with me on this..I know compared to A LOT of people (including people that I know), my life is pretty darn easy. I don't have any kids (among some of my thoughts..more on that in a minute), I really do like my job, on the most part my health is ok (more in that in a minute), I am "free", blah, blah, so I know to some of you reading this, it may sound like I am complaining, and maybe I am..just a bit..but here goes..

I am tired! SO tired. I am tired of my on-going health issues. When people ask how I am doing, I really don't know what to say. Yes, compared to March, I am great (and I am...I know it), but there are still several things that they are working on. My cyst, the fact that I may have MS, the fact that I will always be monitored regarding my breathing/lung/cardiac problems, I am concerned about getting another blood clot..having babies...or not. I think if anything else happens, I am gonna cry right on the spot!! I am seeing a specialist (or regular DR.) once a week (ok..maybe not that much) or so...I am just tired of being not normal. I just want to be semi-normal (medically saying). Even now, my right leg has been hurting since yesterday, and although I don't think it's a blot clot, it is still bothering me. I am wondering "should I go to the hospital or not??" To be honest, I don't really have that much faith in the heath care I get there. (I though I really like my specialists) I am even wondering if I am putting too much faith in the medical system??

I would consider going going on disability, but I don't think I would qualify. And, I WANT to be working. But every month, I have to go to Vancouver for some kind of appt. Every time we go JUST for gas, and maybe a meal, is over $100. Yes, I am working, but that just helps in paying the bills, etc. Anyway..yes, I am ranting. Anyway, I am very grateful for my life...grateful to be alive..just very tired of more stuff going on!! Ok, yes, I am tired of be always being financially strapped all the time, too:( Anyway...I think I will end there...

This weekend has actually been a pretty good some stuff done on Friday, and had a very relaxing day on Saturday. Church, and I spent time w/ friends today, while Anker was at play practice. I did venture out in the snow this afternoon, and did a few things. I hate driving in the snow, but I guess I can't put it off forever.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth, Day 7

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living (for).

I have had this up for the last couple of hours while called some people, and I started a cleaning/organizing project. I am about to out to run some errands, so I should probably do this before I don't get to it.

I had to think about this for a bit, b/c while there are some obvious people in my life, I was thinking of people that maybe weren't so obvious..however, I decided to go with the most obvious, because, well, THIS person HAS made my life worth living...

This person came into my life just over 4 years ago...I can't imagine my life without them! This person, is of course, my HUSBAND!! I love him very much!!!

We met online in 2006, and then he started calling me every day...we talked about most everything...then we met, and started dating, and a few months later, we were engaged:)
I can't believe it has been 3 years since we have gotten married!! I know our life hasn't been perfect, but we somehow make it through!

We are very different in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways, we are the same. Not many husbands would stay by their wife for most of her 1 month hospital stay. He went above and beyond what was asked of him. He is encouraging, and never worries (I do that part for him!!).

I am so glad God brought him into my life!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth, Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

There are a few things that came to mind as I was thinking of this yesterday. About 3 or 4 things came up almost instantly that I would never want to have to do.

Considering, though, that we are trying to have a baby (or at least are working our working our way towards it), there is one thing that I would never want to be faced with.

I never want to have to chose between my life, or the baby's life.

My view of abortion, in nearly every circumstance, is pretty much black and white. It's wrong. Life begins at conception. Period. There are only a couple of instances where it MAY BE okay, and even then, I am not sure. One, would be if the mother's life is in SERIOUS danger, and the other would be if it were a product of incest.

The reason that this comes to mind, if we end up having to use clomid, we could end up getting pregnant w/ twins, and twins would be a no-no. One baby would be hard enough on my body. They pretty much said that if I got pregnant with twins, they would have to abort on. Hearing that makes me sad. Thankfully, that's a ways away, so we don't have to think about that for awhile. But, that is one thing that I hope I never have to do.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Thirty Days Of Truth, Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Well, this one's a no-brainer.

I hope to one day have a baby!

Ever since I was about 5, I have day dreamed about being a mom. I am not sure if this dream will ever happen, but it's fun to think and dream about. The road to fertility is tough for us, and not just b/c of my PCOS, but b/c of my recent health issues. If being a mom doesn't happen, I will be very sad, but I think I am already (being) prepared for the "no" answer.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

30 Days of Truth..Day 4

**** Updated/Edited Nov 17..See Day 3's post partially pertaining to this post.

Day 4.. Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have been thinking about this all day, trying to figure out what I should say. I am usually pretty good at forgiving people. I don't hold a lot of grudges, and I usually move on, and don't think about it. There are a few things, however, that have happened, that I seem to think about on and off. Not so much as a grudge (at least I don't think so), but just things that I should probably either go to God or to the person (probably both), and let them know that I have forgiven them.

I won't say specifically what it was, but there was an incident a few years back where I confided someone, and they really felt that they needed to someone else that I loved (what I told them). I realised that they did this (or wanted to) at the time because they felt that that they were doing the right thing. I really felt (and still do) that it wasn't their place to do that. Maybe it **was** the best/right thing, I don't know. I still need to give it to God, and maybe even go to them.

I can't wait until Day 5:) These last few have been kind of hard!!!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Thirty Days of Truth, Day 3

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Wow..this is a tough one! There are a lot of things that I have done that I have regretted in life, but there really isn't one thing that I haven't forgiven myself for...hmm....:)

There are a few things that I have to forgive myself for, but I won't post them here. I want to be careful that I don't involve a lot of people when I am talking about my personal thoughts, etc. I really try (at least, I think I do!!) to talk about just our life, and casually, when appropriate, talk about other family members or friends. I only name a few of my family members on here in general, and sometimes only use their first initial. When I talk about really personal things, I usually don't bring other ppl in it..or if I do, I don't say their name (ok, now I will have to go through my posts, and see if I have actually done this!!). Anyway, this isn't really part of today's post!!

So...yes, there have been times when I have done dumb things, and I wish I hadn't done them!! I am generally a pretty practical, and "safe" person. I don't sky dive, or bungee jump...I don't take crazy risks (not usually!), nor do I walk blindly into situations.

This particular thing that I am going to say isn't really something I need to "forgive" myself for, but it is something that I wish I had done w/ more care, and information, etc..but for the purpose of this post, I will publish it...

I wish I had not taken the Pill, and not for as long as I did.

I started taking the Pill at the age of 20, and I was on and off for 10 years. I was on it specifically for my cycles, and cysts. In same ways, this was good, b/c it helped w/ my cycles, but in other ways, I wish I had just stopped sooner. I am sure that it is playing havoc w/ my fertility, and I am sure that I gained weight, and my depression was caused, in part probably b/c of the pill. No one gave me any information on other forms of trying to control my cycles. PCOS was hardly heard of nor talked about (I actually was not Diagnosed until about 2 years ago), otherwise, they may just put me on Metformin. It was just something that I walked into blindly, and I wish that I would have more information, and was given more options.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 02 Something you love about yourself.

I had to think about this for a minute, I was typing out one thing, but I am going to use that in a later day/post.

I love that I am a good listener, and (generally) don't give people advice, or try to "fix" things. I know this probably doesn't seem like it on Facebook, but generally, I don't. If someone wants to talk, I listen, while I sometimes bring things back to myself (which, by the way, I have been doing less of, unless I think that it helps them), I really just listen, and don't tell them what to do (unless they ask, of course). I think I am a pretty easy person to talk to. I just want to be a friend to them, and be there for them.

Vancouver Trip, and new job

Last Saturday was the funeral of my friend. It went well (as well as funerals can go, I guess), and the church was nearly full w/ friends and family. Our pastor did a great job, and her husband and several people did tributes, and her daughter sang a song. I don't know why, but I never cried. It really bothered me. I did cry a bit at the end, but that was all. I was very sad, of course, and I am sad because I will never see her or talk to her here on earth. It has really hit our church, especially our pastor and his wife very hard. No one can understand why it happened. It will be a long road for her family, especially her daughters.

We did end up having the "Light the Night" party the previous Sunday at our church. We thought of not doing, b/c of our friend dying, but the girls' dad said that the girls were looking forward to it. We do this every year, to encourage the kids to come to the church instead of trick or treating. I am sure that some kids go out T&T-ing anyway, but at least it's a place for them to come afterwards. I wasn't going to dress up, but I decided to in the end. About half of the people (adults) dressed up. I ended up going as a ladybug. It was fun getting the costume together, but I wish I had more money to a "real" costume..oh well. I bought some black wings, and ended up putting some red glitter glue on them for I guess I wend as a backwards Ladybug:) I am not sure how many kids there were, but it was a fun time. We had candy, and there were fireworks. We rented a bouncy castle, and there were a few stations. It was a fun time.

I know this is going back, but had a couple for supper sometime in mid-October. Her bday is the end of the month, and I wanted to have them over. We had a nice dinner of lamb and steak, and it was a fun evening.

I started my new job October 20. I really like it. It's perfect..the hours, etc. No pressure..just the type of job I like. The money is nice, too. Not a lot extra, but it helps, for sure. I work Mon-Thurs, in the evenings. I already got a raise!! My boss is really good, too. I talked to him today about having time off to go to Vancouver for ongoing medical issues, and he was totally fine with it. I would try to make appts for Fridays, but most Dr's don't see pts on hoo.

Our Vancouver trip was short but sweet. I think we were gone for about 28 hours. I made snacks, so we wouldn't stop for lunch on the way down. After church, we quickly cleaned the dental centre, and then headed off. It was a beautiful day, and the traffic was minimal. Stayed with my cousins, and then the next morning, it was off to the BCHWCH. We were late, but we still were there for about 4 hours! They still don't have a concrete answer of if my body could carry a baby or not. They need to figure out why I got sick in the spring. Each specialist seems to have a different answer. They also stated that women who have cardiac problems that get pregnant can have up a 50% chance of dying...not a lovely number, I know. Also, IF I got pregnant, I would have to move to Vancouver (which I knew, anyway), which could be months, or up to a year. They want me to have another MRI (I had already had it booked), more blood tests, etc. They want to look at me and my body as a whole person, and make sure that I am a good candidate health-wise to even go forward. They also said I have a chromosone issue, in that one of my chromosones only has one "X". They say that it could be fine, but they still have to look into it further. They want me to see an geneticist. That's pretty much all they said. They DID say, however, that IF I got pregnant, it wouldn't be the end of the world (well, one Dr said that). Maybe that sounds kind of oxymoronish, but that is what they all said!! So, in a way, we left feeling a bit discouraged, but in a way, we felt good about it. I also have an appt to see an oncologist for my cyst at the beginning of December. So, we are still a ways away from having babies.

We stopped off at VGH, after having some lunch, to get my medical records from when I was born-2 years, which was really neat to read! I actually started crying when I read it. I just can't believe that I went through all of that. I really should have died at birth, or at least soon after. Dad said that one of my specialists who looked after me said that he had never seen so sick a baby survive. I plan to put all the info (or at least most of it) in to a file-folder, and try to re-organize it a bit. Mom wants to look through it, and I want to photocopy some for some of my specialists.

Our trip home took exactly 4 hours, w/ our stopping at Chiliwack. The weather was ok, but it did snow on the way back. Not a whole lot of traffic, though.

I forgot that I haven't written about seeing my GYNE about my cyst. First of all, he said that it could be a hemaguratic cyst, which means that it is just blood-like. If it is, they don't need to do anything, but just keep an eye on it. I really hope that this is the case. He has referred me to an oncologist, b/c if they have to do surgery, then he wants him (Dr. Ehlin) to do it. Dr. Human said that I should never have had that Laporoscopy back in 1996. Dr. Human doesn't think it's cancer (I have been feeling fine for the most part), but he wants me to see him, just in case.

That's all for now, I guess. I will do Day 2 in 30 days of truth next!!

I should probably post about the weather:) Most of the time, the weather has been lovely. The leaves are pretty much all off the trees, but they are on the ground, which I love to see. No snow yet!! Not really a lot of rain, and the sun has been trying to shine nearly every day.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

30 Days of Truth..Day 1

****I realized when I was in bed last night that I don't think that regretting quitting the piano really refers to this first question....I guess there are a lot of things that I hate (or dislike/want to change, etc) about myself that could fit into this or any other question....but I was thinking about one that that I don't like, something that I think is very true, and that I wish I could change...

I always seem to take the easy road when things get tough.

This isn't totally true, but it is true in a lot of aspects in my life. I think in part, it is b/c that I am so tired of trying, that I just up and decide to take/do what's easy. But, I think that I am doing better at other areas.
I am following a blog of a semi-friend of mine, and she is doing 30 days of that I would be able to find the information, here is the full 30 days of truth..and I will answer each question one at a time..probably not every day..but I will try every couple of days or so...with out further we go!

Day 1..Something you hate about yourself..

Well, what a good one to start off with, eh?

Hate is a pretty strong word, for sure...and there are certainly lots of different things that I don't like, or wish I could change about myself...but there is one (of many!!) thing that I will always kick myself for (or rather not) doing.

I regret that I quit playing the piano.

I know this isn't a super spiritual or emotional thing, but to me, it is something that I have always wished I had continued. You see, when I was about 5 or 6, I wanted (or mom wanted me to..not sure which) to play the piano. I think Mom was my first teacher, then my gramma. I had a couple of more teachers after Grandma, and they were fine teachers, but I still found it hard. I really just didn't enjoy it. I played it (kicking and screaming, for the most part), until I was about 13 or 14, or maybe even younger. I think I was just plain tired of it, and it was boring. I didn't have the mind for it (or so i thought), so I just quit. Mom said that I had to at least learn to play a hymn before I quit, but I think I even stopped before that. People then were telling me that I would regret stopping, and I (in my teenage wisdom) told them that I wouldn't. Sure enough, when I got into my 20's, I started regretting it. I have thought of picking it up, but I just keep forgetting about it, and basically just haven't. Most of my family can play an instrument. I sometimes feel a bit left out:)

I will blog about my recent Vancouver trip and our recent happenings this weekend.

PS..I just finished reading the entire list, and I am not sure that I will do the ENTIRE 30 some of them sound just too long, and even a bit boring..but I will certainly do most of them!!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself